Russia Created an Official 'Straight Pride' Flag to Combat 'Gay Fever'

Russia, a country with absolutely nothing else to worry about, has decided to double down on being a human-rights-violating monstrosity of a place for anyone who isn’t straight or pretending to be: The country’s ruling class—to be clear, not a fringe group, but Putin allies Russia United—has unveiled a new flag celebrating heterosexuals and all that they do.

The flag, which comes hot on the heels of equality laws being passed in America, depicts a man, a woman, and three very happy children (two boys and one girl, naturally) with a hashtag that translates to #realfamily underneath. It’s intended to fight against the horrors of the rainbow flag of the LGBT+ community, as well as to remind Russians what a valid family looks like.

Beautiful, isn’t it? Interesting and cool?

Time reports that Aleksey Lisovenko, deputy head of United Russia’s Moscow group is proud of what the flag will accomplish, and hopes that it will spread the message that homosexuals make a mockery of marriage and that the world needs to return to a time of “traditional values”—whatever that means for Russia. Lisovenko has also denied that his group had plagiarized their design (which can optionally be produced in the colors of the Russian flag) from a French anti-gay group. The main difference, Lisovenko told reporters, is that the French flag has fewer children.

As a Russian immigrant, I am so pleased to stay abreast of all Russia’s crazy schemes of getting rid of my kind. Recently, a politician demanded that Apple be investigated for pushing gay propaganda via a U2 album, and also, transgender individuals were banned from driving earlier this year. A straight pride flag was an inevitability, just waiting for the right time to be unleashed upon an already weary world.

(Too bad Lisovenko doesn’t know that the real cure for “Gay Fever” is 200cc of throbbing gay dick. Someone should get him some?)